Just a few of the terms/nicknames I often use. Some I came up with myself, some I didn’t. Either way, you’ll be hearing them here and there.
Baby Jesus: Jay Cutler. After how well he has been doing this year and me realizing he’s probably going to be the next great quarterback, I’m completely convinced that his mother must have had a late night rendezvous with Jesus Christ himself. This by no means is an insult to his mother, but rather, a well deserved compliment to her son’s mad skills. To add the icing on the cake, his initials are JC. Creepy.
Bad Mammer Jammer: Quentin Jammer.
Barney Rubble: Zach Thomas.
B-Easy: Braylon Edwards. Pretty sure he came up with this one himself. And for the record I almost didn’t even put him on here because I’m very disappointed with his performance as a fantasy owner and a Browns fan. But I’m gonna be easy on him because he’s a Brownie.
Big Ben: Ben Roethlisberger.
Big Beast: Jon Beason.
Bologna Mauroney: Laurence Mauroney. Don’t ask me why I drafted him on my fantasy team. I can’t even figure that one out.
The Brownies: The Cleveland Browns. So adorable.
The Burner: Michael Turner.
The Cable Guy: Tom Cable (the Raiders new interim Coach, just in case you didn’t know, which you probably didn’t).
Cripe/Cripes: My dad came up with this one. It’s pretty much a funnier way to say Christ. Trust me, if you put this at the beginning or end of almost anything you say, you’ll get a little bit more “umph” out of what you’re trying to say. And if you don’t believe me, fine. Cripes. SEE.
The Daily Show: Jonathan Stewart (Panther’s rookie running back).
Doritos: The taste of victory. Delicious and addicting.
D-Wreck: DeMeco Ryans.
Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars): Al Davis. Don’t try to tell me that when they show clips of Al Davis sitting up in his booth at Raiders games that you don’t think of Star Wars. I won’t believe it for a second.
The Grassman: Ricky Williams. I thought of this because after he abruptly retired from the NFL to smoke pot and travel the world, he finally settled in the small hippy town of Grass Valley, California, to study holistic healing. This is crazy to me because I grew up not too far from there and my aunt and uncle live there. But seriously, out of all the places in the world? Grass Valley? Between you and me, let’s just say he probably fit in there, if you catch my drift. Anyway, Grass Valley isn’t even the main reason I call him the Grassman. You do the math. Much love, Ricky.
The King of Queens: Eric Mangini.
LDT: LaDainian Tomlinson. Bill Simmons came up with this one. Everyone is always calling him LT, but let’s get one thing straight. LT is Lawrence Taylor.
Marion the Barbarian: Marion Barber III. Probably the most fitting nickname of all time. Also known as MB3.
Megatron: Calvin Johnson.
Moldheads: New York Brett fans.
Purple Jesus: I know, OK. I guess I say Jesus a lot. But for the record, I didn’t come up with this one. Purple Jesus is Adrian Peterson. I would really like to call him AP, as it has always been most natural for me. But for some reason, he claims he wants to be called AD, after his nickname (yeah I know, he needs to calm down with the nicknames), All Day. Personally, I refuse to call him AD because AP just makes way more sense. So rather than me hesitating when I’m about to call him AP and wonder if I should say AD, I’m going with Purple Jesus. Plus, I think the guy is going to break the Madden Curse, and that would prove his worthiness for a nickname with “Jesus” in it. Let me explain… I believe there is no doubt he will be on the cover of Madden next year because everybody thinks he’s so good. Now, throw in the fact that he gets hurt ever year, and the guy really has nothing to lose. Strangely enough, I not only think he will break the curse, but do so by not getting hurt the year he is on the cover, which is completely backwards to what the curse stands for.
P-Willy: Patrick Willis.
Run DMC: Darren McFadden.
Steel City Bullies: The Pittsburgh Steelers. I wouldn’t call the Browns-Steelers rivalry much of a rivalry right now, given that the Steelers have won the last ten contests between the two teams. They’re more like a bunch of schoolyard bullies. I’m telling.
